Tired

You know, I just want to say that I'm tired sometimes. It's exhausting to act happy. I'm not a good actress- I learned that in high school. I have a hard time convincing myself that my life is a happy one. I find so much to gripe about, and so much to bring me down. I think I need to spend more time looking for the good. More time finding ways to be independent and not let others actions bring me down. In Relief Society today Christina made a comment how it seems that a group of church members may appear to look/act the same (ex: the Apostles, etc.) and the reason may appear that they/we are trying to be each other. But the real reason is because they're all striving to be like Jesus Christ. I find myself wondering that if I acted like so-and-so that maybe I'll be happier. Or, why can't I be nice like Kim. People won't be scared of me and think I'm a jerk. That maybe I'll find this amazing guy and life will suddenly become easier. But I've got the wrong goal. I'm shooting for something that won't work for me. I need to find the best ME, the me that is becoming more like Jesus Christ. That way, I will find happiness in getting to know myself. That it won't matter if there isn't an Anne Fan Club 1,000 members strong. I will be ok just being me. That I will find out that I am worthy of carrying Christ's name along with mine. Right now I don't feel it. Right now I feel like a whiny teenager who can't keep it together. And even typing that I feel pathetic.

Please do not take this post the wrong way. Don't feel pressured to comment nice things to make me feel better. I just feel the need to say that I'm going to have a goal this year. In 2009 I will become a better person. I will get my act in gear and try to better myself. Life is not about just having fun. I can have fun, but I will work that into the important stuff. Because the fun stuff will feel more fun when I'm not feeling guilty for shirking my responsibilities.

I will:
Find a job.
Research schools and figure out which one is right for me.
Read my scriptures and pray daily and my patriarchal blessing often.
Read good books, which include not just the fun fantasy ones, but ones that make me grow and learn (church books, informational books, self-help, music books, etc.).
Learn more songs on my ukulele and practice them, as well as try to pick up more theory.
Build up my friends, and make new ones.
Learn to be more independent, and not a burden to others.
Dance everywhere possible.


I am determined to make this a good year.